Three Christmas Specials.

Well, it's December, and you know what that means.

Like many of you, some of my favorite Christmas memories are of watching the holiday movies and TV specials. I remember those more than the presents I got; I haven't yet figured out if that's a good thing or not.
So, you all get to listen to me blather on about some of them. Because that's what I do.

A Garfield Christmas Special

This special premiered in 1987, but I first saw it in the early 90s, a time when things at my house were beginning to take a turn for the worse. My mom was going crazy and my parents' marriage was starting to fall apart. So I have mixed feelings about this special. I think this was the first time I felt cynical about Christmas-- even though I was only about 10 or 11 years old.



Honestly, it's pretty cute, but it's not the end-all be-all of Christmas specials. The best part about it is definitely Jon's grandma. She totally steals the show. Maybe this is just the bad memories talking, but if you missed out on it as a kid, you probably ought to just skip it. Check out the Thanksgiving special instead-- it's far better, in my opinion.


A Charlie Brown Christmas

Alright, who hasn't seen this? Well...my fiance, for one, but we're going to fix that problem very soon.

A Charlie Brown Christmas has long been a yearly tradition on television-- for over 40 years, actually. It used to run on CBS, but nowadays it's on ABC, which to me feels kind of...wrong. But I won't get started on that again.



I actually didn't manage to catch this special until sometime in the early 90s, so it isn't quite as nostalgic for me as some of the others. However, it's still one of my favorites. It's still relevant even today-- well, except for maybe that aluminum Christmas tree thing. What was that all about?

This is one of the few specials still running on network television that's true to the meaning of the holiday. It's refreshing, because most of them are all about family or Santa or whatever. Those stories can be fun, and Christmas may be about family to some extent, but there's way more to it than that. It is called Christmas, you know. Anyway, Linus tells it like it is and I really appreciate that.

Also, the quality holds up pretty well considering that it's a TV special that was made in 1964, which wasn't exactly the golden age of animation.

Finally, the soundtrack is wonderful. I own the album and sometimes listen to it even when it isn't Christmastime. It's not fancy or anything-- just jazz piano, backed by drums and an upright bass, but it's unpretentious and has a lot of heart, which really makes me feel warm and fuzzy. If I had a fireplace, I'd sit by it and drink hot chocolate while listening to this CD.


Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer

I don't like that song, actually. It ranks at the bottom of my Christmas music list, along with I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus and Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town (ironically, also a Rankin-Bass special).

Thankfully, the special is much less irritating.



The stop-motion animation looks pretty decent, to be honest (except for all the scratches on the film-- what exactly does "digitally remastered" mean anyway?). They obviously put a lot of time and effort into it. I also think the character models/designs are cute, and it has a good little message about how it's okay to be different.

I'm surprised that this was also made in 1964. I think time has been a little unkind to it, since it seems much older. Much like with the Garfield special, it's cute, but I hesitate to recommend shelling out 14 bucks for the DVD unless you're really nostalgic for it or have kids-- otherwise you might get bored with it. I personally have fonder memories of some of the other Rankin-Bass specials, which I'll probably talk about another time.

I know, I've been a little more negative than usual in this post. I'm not Ebenezer Scrooge or something-- I really enjoy Christmas, and I get a kick out of watching these specials, even the lackluster ones.

So, feel free to leave a comment and share any good memories you might have of these specials-- or other specials, if you haven't seen any of the ones listed here. And I promise the next Christmas-y post will be more positive...if I can get around to making another one before Christmas is over.

Retro Wishlist II: The Revenge

Hey, kids! It's time for the next installment of the Retro Wishlist! These additions are much more expensive and difficult to obtain than the first three items, but what's a wishlist without stuff like that?

04. A DeLorean DMC-12

Oh, come on. You knew I had to include this. Who doesn't want one of these things?



The DMC-12 was featured in a certain series of time-travel comedies and has since become something of an icon. It was only in production from 1981-1983, since DeLorean Motor Company went bankrupt after the arrest of its founder. Thus, the number of cars that still exist is relatively small, estimated to be somewhere around 6500.

This is one of the most unique cars I've ever seen. Instead of being primed and painted, it's plated with stainless steel. Apparently, some owners have painted their DeLoreans; I personally would never do this, since I think it really takes away from the value and charm of the car.

It also has those distinctive gullwing doors. As a kid, I thought they were the coolest thing ever (which led to a short-lived obsession with Lamborghinis). I still think they're pretty damn cool, but I have to wonder about something: Do DeLorean owners have to park on the outskirts of parking lots to be able to open the door and get out of the car?

Only three times have I ever seen a DeLorean in real life. The first time, I saw one speeding down the interstate and had to suppress the overwhelming urge to stalk it. The second time, I saw one sitting at a car lot/garage as I passed by. (The next time I drove by there, it was gone.)



The third time was two nights ago. I'm staying with a friend while waiting to move into an apartment, and I was just hanging around when my friend comes inside talking about something awesome he just saw. Naturally, I had to go outside to find out what was going on. Well, the neighbors had a DMC-12 sitting in their driveway, which is fucking amazing enough as is. But it wasn't just any DMC-12-- it was decked out to look just like the time machine from Back to the Future. It was all lit up and had the wires, cables, flux capacitor, the whole nine yards. It even had sound clips from the movie playing through its speakers.

As you might expect, I had a nerdfit and did a really stupid happydance after inspecting it thoroughly. I'm still kicking myself in the ass for not asking the guy if I could take a picture of it. Of course, it's gone now. Damn it.

I've heard that the car is going back into limited production next year. I don't know if that's true or not, but if it is, I'm so getting one when I get 50,000 dollars to spare.


05. A Big Ugly Dish System

...Also known as "television receive-only". Surely you guys have seen a ten-foot satellite dish sitting in someone's yard before. That's what I'm talking about. Satellite TV, 80s-style.



Why do I want one of these when I could just get one of those modern, much smaller dishes? Mostly to fulfill an old childhood desire.

When I was a kid, my family spent a lot of time at Uncle Sonny and Aunt Ruby's house. (They weren't really my aunt and uncle-- more like my mom's cousins or something like that.) They lived in a rural area, and since you couldn't get cable out there, Uncle Sonny had a big ugly dish. Since I was just a little bitty thing, and BUD systems are kind of complicated, I was never allowed to mess with it.

Back before we had cable, the idea of getting TV from places other than Oklahoma City boggled my little mind. I really wanted to see what kinds of new and interesting channels I could find, and if there were any cartoons on them. My dad said Uncle Sonny could get channels from all over the planet, which even now, sounds fascinating.

Anyway, I never got my hands on that dish-controller-box contraption. In the 90s, Uncle Sonny left his big dish in the dust and got Primestar-- a newfangled satellite service that used a much smaller dish --instead.

Unfortunately, TVRO is pretty obscure now thanks to stuff like Dish Network and DirecTV, which makes me a little sad. This makes it something of a waste for me to ever try getting one set up, not to mention I'm no electronics hobbyist, and would have to pay somebody some serious bucks to set it up for me. I don't like TV that much. But if I ever have large amounts of money lying around, and no better use for it, I'd go for it.

This Is Home Box Office.

Okay, readers. It's time for the nerdiest post yet (but certainly not the nerdiest I'll ever write). Can you handle it?!

As you all know, HBO is probably the biggest cable network ever. However, this post isn't really about HBO. Rather, it's about its bumpers, on-air graphics and movie intros, a few of which I'll be showing you thanks to all those other retro lovers out there on Youtube.

Home Box Office signed on for the first time in 1972. Can you believe it's been around that long? Neither can I. I thought it started a few years later, like many other networks. Anyway, check out this rare ID. It's from the 70s, back when the "O" in "HBO" still overlapped the "B". That damn O sure was an attention whore. I dig those rainbow stripes though. Very old-school.

Couldn't find it on Youtube, so check it out on RetroJunk!

Another common misconception is that HBO was always a 24/7 network, but it actually didn't start that until December 1981, nine years after its inception.

What that means is that at one point in time, HBO had a sign-off sequence! This blew my mind when I first found out about it on the internet. Not because it's a stellar example of animation (it's not), but because the idea of a pay channel signing off at night is really bizarre. Also, it seems like something of a rip-off, especially when you consider that HBO cost around 12 bucks a month back then, which, in 2007 money, translates to roughly 3000 dollars. Oh well. Check out the video anyway!



(If you'd rather go to Youtube and watch the video, or if the embed doesn't work for you, just click here.)

Alright, you want to see something really dated? Check this next video out. Apparently this clip was recorded in late 1980, but the 70s aesthetic was still going strong. This thing is funktastic. Also, is it just me or does that little theme for the movie intro bear some resemblance to the Star Trek theme music? Listen for it when the words "HBO Feature Movie" come on the screen.



(Again, if that doesn't work, go here.)

Oh, but you ain't seen nothin' yet.

Here's the cream of the crop. The crown jewel. The mother of all the HBO logos, graphics, and intros. If you were alive in the 80s at all, chances are you remember seeing this thing at least once. My parents didn't even subscribe to HBO and I managed to see it. I don't remember when. I don't remember where. But I saw this thing once at some point during my childhood and I never forgot it. I remember wishing that I could see it again, but I don't think I ever did until I found it on RetroJunk at the beginning of my big retro craze. Needless to say, this just added more fuel to the fire.

Anyway, here it is: the glorious HBO Feature Presentation movie intro, aka "HBO in space".



(Or go here.

If you don't think that was one of the most awesome things you've ever seen, then you can just get the hell out of here right now.

Not only is it fucking epic, it also features one of the most exquisitely crafted models I've ever seen. That's right, it ain't CGI, kids. That thing was built in 1982 by hand with blood, sweat, and tears. Or...maybe just hammer, nails, and paint. Even the flying HBO logo that almost crashes through the screen at the end is a model.

Anyway, it's visually impressive even today, but the music is what really makes it amazing. Every hear it, I get chills. And then I feel like watching something huge like Poltergeist, Star Wars, or Raiders of the Lost Ark.

There also happens to be a really cool behind-the-scenes look at the making of this thing, which you can look at here if you like that nerdy kind of thing (which I do!).

Also, HBO might have taken themselves very seriously when they made that, but they also had a sense of humor: they made more than one parody of this intro for April Fool's Day. Here's one of them. Go look at it, dammit! Or the giant HBO logo will come for you in your sleep.

I have more clips, but I think I'll end this one here. I don't want to scare away the last two people that are reading this thing. Plus, it's late and I'm hungry. I promise the next post won't be quite as nerdy as this. If you appreciated this post in any way, please leave me a damn comment and tell me so I don't have to strangle myself with an old VHS tape.

A taste of things to come.

In case you don't know, I'm an anime fan. Recently I saw the Mobile Suit Gundam movies. Not Gundam SEED, not Gundam Wing, but Gundam. The one that started the whole thing. Since Gundam is pretty retro-- the TV series dates back to 1979 --I'm going to be reviewing all three movies sometime in the future. There's a lot of info to soak up, so I'm going to watch them a few more times first.

Anyway, after I do that, I've got something else up my sleeve that is perhaps a bit more interesting. I'm going to take Gundam and Star Wars and see how they match up. Might seem like an unlikely comparison, but the parallels between them are not easily overlooked.

Stay tuned! I've got plenty of other nerdy stuff planned in the meantime.

Peanuts taste good.

I feel like rambling about random stuff instead of doing a full-fledged article-style post. I dunno if this experiment will be a success, but what the hell. I'm bored, okay? Cut me some slack.

Well, the first thing I'll mention is that I couldn't find the re-release of Poltergeist. Granted, I only looked at this crappy small-town Wal-Mart and not at my beloved Hastings like usual, but still. However, while browsing the DVD aisles hoping maybe a copy of it would magically appear, I came across something just as good: the Peanuts holiday specials box set. For 20 bucks. Which is the best price I've ever seen for it. (God bless you and your low, low prices, Wal-Mart.) Since I've been wanting to buy it for years, but could never justify shelling out the ridiculous amounts of cash most places were asking for it, I decided to put off Poltergeist for a couple of weeks and buy this gem instead.

So, having nothing to do today, I watched all three of the DVDs in the set. I'm actually pretty impressed with the releases, barebones as they are. You can hardly tell that the Christmas and Halloween specials are 40 years old. The picture and sound are quite nice.

Watching It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown was almost like a whole new experience. Apparently, all these years they've been editing stuff out of it, and I never even knew about it. There was at least five minutes' worth of stuff in there that I'd never seen before. I had it recorded back in the 80s, but I think parts of it were cut off due to editing out the commercials and stuff. So getting a big dose of nostalgia while at the same time seeing something new was a lot of fun.

Anyway, even though it cost me 20 of my precious dollars, I'm really glad I bought this, because I haven't seen these specials in years and I never manage to catch them on television. They come when you're not expecting them and are gone before you know what happened. Kinda like ninjas. Ninjas that drag around a blue security blanket.

Also, it just feels...wrong watching them on ABC as opposed to CBS. That's nerdy, I know, but I think we've established the fact that I'm one of the nerdiest people on the planet when it comes to retro crap. Admittedly, it felt a little weird watching them on DVD too, and the absence of the famous "CBS Special Presentation" logo is most certainly felt. Also missing is the logo for the local CBS affiliate and the little map of Oklahoma in the corner that showed weather warnings. If I could somehow score copies of these specials on VHS that included all that stuff plus commercial breaks, I think I could die happy.

Here's where I change topics by making a confession: I am a huge nerd. No really, I am. I collect old station IDs, bumpers, promos, commercials, eyecatches, and the like. I also collect some production logos-- those logos you see at the end of shows, like "DiC" and stuff. My videos folder has 142 files in it; 99% of them are this kind of stuff. I have station IDs from places I've never been to, some from before I was even born.

For those of you who may not be familiar with the term "station ID", I'll explain briefly. The FCC requires television stations to identify themselves at least once per hour, providing their call letters (KOCO, KFOR, etc) and city. In the 70s and 80s, there were a lot of independent TV stations that had their own identities: slogans, logos, jingles, and animations, which were incorporated into their station IDs.

I don't really know why I became so fascinated by them. Maybe because they're a lost art. Some older ones use a technique called slit-scan animation that fell out of use with the rise of CGI. It has major retro-cool factor. Some of them are great examples of early CGI, and when I look at them I think, "Wow, they could do this stuff back then?"

Or maybe it's because some of my earliest memories are of that kind of thing.

Now, I've always liked 80s stuff a whole lot, and I started getting nostalgic for my early childhood when I was still in high school. But then I kinda forgot about it for a while, until one day about two years ago, when I was puttering around on the internet and got linked to retrojunk.com. I was poking around in the videos section and came across something that had been stuck in the back of my mind since I was two years old: CBS's Saturday morning bumpers for the 1984-1985 season.



Watch them here. I command it!

When I saw those again, I got all emotional and watched the video about a zillion times while wondering how in the hell I managed to remember something so seemingly insignificant for so many years.

And that's what started this whole obsession with retro stuff. So now you know.

I actually have been planning to write about some of these IDs and logos that I hold so dear, and now that I've got my secret out in the open, it should be a lot easier to do so. Be on the lookout for it pretty soon.

I'm heeeeere.

Well, it's been over a month since I last wrote anything, so I think it's about time to crack down and stop wasting my time. Because everybody knows that writing on the internet about pop culture of the past is serious business.

Anyway, I think it appropriate that I finally write about one of my favorite horror movies of the 80s and of all time. (Actually, it's one of the only horror movies I like and can take seriously, but that's beside the point.) Now's a great time to do so because not only is it Halloween season, but very recently, it saw a much-needed re-release on DVD to commemorate its 25th anniversary.



If you couldn't guess it from the above image, you've been living under a rock. I'm talking about Poltergeist, the movie that scared the living shit out of a whole generation of kids, including myself. I saw this movie when I was young and I'm telling you, it fucked me up. I had nightmares for nigh a month.

So how did I come to love a movie that I was terrified of? Because I forced myself to watch it in order to finally conquer that fear, and in doing so discovered that it's a brilliant piece of cinema, and chock full of retro stuff to boot. It did leave an impression on me, though: I'm terrified of snow or dead air on a television to this day.

Back in the 80s, Steven Spielberg really had it going on. In 1981, he and George Lucas brought us Raiders of the Lost Ark. In 1982, Poltergeist and ET were both on the big screen, and both would go on to become entrenched in popular culture. There's that whole debate over whether or not he actually directed Poltergeist instead of the accredited Tobe Hooper, but that doesn't matter-- whoever did it deserves a whole lot of props.

In my opinion, Poltergeist is probably the best haunted house movie ever for several reasons. One of them is that you can actually care about the Freeling family, something that doesn't happen very often in the horror genre. Usually the victims in a horror flick are drunk, horny teenagers, and you want them to get their just desserts in the most violent and bizarre way possible.

The movie starts off with the national anthem, shots of the American flag and the Iwo Jima statue-- Dad fell asleep watching TV and the station is signing off. The nerd in me has been trying to find out if that was a real signoff they used, or if it was just one they created for the film. I've had no luck.

Another unique touch about this opening scene is we are briefly introduced to the characters while they sleep as the family dog goes from room to room looking for something to munch on.

Five-year-old Carol Anne (Heather O'Rourke) awakens. She wanders down to the TV and promptly starts talking to it. Sounds like a silly game an imaginative child would play, but clearly there's something more to this. It's a great hook.

Then we catch a glimpse into an ordinary day with the family. Steve (Craig T. Nelson) is watching football with the guys and has a rather amusing (and technologically obsolete) conflict with his neighbor over their TVs. Most people would probably think, "Wait a second, this is a horror movie? There's nothing scary or creepy about a bunch of guys drinking beer and watching the game!" In my opinion, that's what's so great about it-- they use humor to lull you into a sense of security. Aspiring filmmakers take note.



Another thing I love so much about this movie is that they actually spend time establishing the characters before shit starts getting crazy, while at the same time setting up the plot. There's some great foreshadowing here, but I don't want to spoil anything. Let's just say that most people probably wouldn't catch any of it until a second viewing.

Also, I think this movie was made especially to scare children. The creepy tree outside the bedroom window, the ugly clown doll, the thunderstorm, asking Mom to leave the closet light on-- I think every kid went through that kind of stuff at bedtime. There's a nice father-son bonding moment when Steve teaches Robbie (Oliver Robbins) to count between the lightning and the thunder to see if the storm is moving away or getting closer.

However, Robbie and Carol Anne end up in bed with Mom and Dad anyway. Once again, the TV is left on. How they can sleep through all that static is beyond me. But little Carol Anne wakes up suddenly and crawls down to the TV set-- it's "talking" to her again, except something much creepier happens this time. This is the famous "they're heeeere" scene that I'm sure you've all seen parodied at least seventeen times.

After that, strange things start happening. One of my favorite scenes in the movie is when the mother, Diane (JoBeth Williams), pushes the chairs in at the kitchen table, goes away for just a few seconds, then goes back to see the chairs stacked on the table. It's unsettling and an effective way to build some suspense.

It doesn't take long for things to kick into high gear. That night, lightning starts striking again, but this ain't your everyday storm. Suddenly, the creepy dead tree isn't so dead anymore-- in fact, it wants to have Robbie for a midnight snack. Diane, Steve, and teenage daughter Dana (Dominique Dunne) go out to save Robbie from a very painful and bizarre death. How would you react if someone told you, "My son died when he got eaten by a demonic tree"? You'd think, well, people have strange ways of dealing with grief...

Anyway, all this is just a distraction. What the "TV people" really want is Carol Anne. So while everyone is occupied, Carol Anne's closet becomes a portal to another dimension and she gets sucked in.



Personally, I think it took a lot of balls to do something like this. Usually a child-- especially a cute little blonde girl --is the last character that would be harmed in a movie. Granted, Robbie is only mildly scuffed up after his encounter with the tree from Hell, but you know Carol Anne is in some serious trouble, even though it's all left up to the imagination.

In an interesting twist, it's Steve that starts falling apart and Diane remains relatively collected. Most people would have the mom go nuts and the dad be stoic.

Another one of my favorite things about this film is the late Beatrice Straight's performance as Dr. Lesh, who brings her colleagues Marty and Ryan to the Freeling home to investigate the disturbances. This woman deserved an Oscar for her work here. There's a fantastic scene where she's explaining some theories about the spiritual world to Robbie; I'm glued to the screen every time.



Pretty soon, lots of weird paranormal shit is going on. I'm surprised by how well the effects hold up. Well, except for one scene. Yeah, you probably already know what I'm going to say, but shut up and listen anyway.

The spirits decide to seriously fuck with Marty's head. There's a crawling, maggoty steak-- which is a cool effect, not to mention a weak spot of mine they capitalized on pretty well. Maggots give me a wicked case of the jibblies.

But then...he hallucinates clawing his own face off. All the way down to the bone. Probably sounds scary and cool to some of you, and it might have been in 1982, but it looks cheesy now and I actually think it's pretty unnecessary in the first place. I mean, for God's sake, this movie is rated PG. Only in the 80s could you rip a guy's face off and still get a PG rating. But I guess they felt that since this is a horror movie, they needed some blood. Or something. That's one of two gripes I have with the film, the other of which I'll get to in due time.

Realizing that this is way out of her league, Dr. Lesh goes to seek outside help. While she's gone, Steve's boss, Mr. Teague, comes over to check on things, since Steve hasn't been going to work. Here's where we find out that Mr. Teague is a son of a-- I mean, here's where we find out the ghostly history of the housing addition where they live.

The Freeling's help comes from a little lady named Tangina Barrons (Zelda Rubinstein). Don't judge her by her small size-- this woman is pure concentrated psychic. I don't know about anybody else, but when I was a child, this character was one of the scariest parts of the movie to me. However, I think she's kind of fascinating now. Maybe that's just the captivating performance by Zelda Rubinstein, though.

Tangina's got a plan which they soon put into action. A little earlier in the movie, Robbie theorized that they could tie a rope around him and he could go in and get Carol Anne back. Well, they took that to heart. Diane goes through the closet portal with a rope tied around her waist, and manages to get her baby back. Tangina delivers another line that would become famous, and it seems like all is well.

However, Steve decides that now would be a good time to pack their shit and get out, and that's exactly what they do.

Here's my other gripe with the film: the ending. I don't understand why Steve left them in that house alone, nor do I understand why Diane decided to take a bath and leave the kids unsupervised. Maybe they were just really trusting and believed the house really was cleansed? I dunno, but I sure as hell wouldn't have stayed there.



I have mixed feelings about the false ending and subsequent climax-- it is scary and there are some cool shots and special effects. The scariest part of the movie is here: Robbie vs. that damn creepy-ass clown. I mean, look at that thing. Who the hell would buy that for their kid?! Also, I like this one shot of Diane running down what seems like an endless hallway to get her kids. Then there's the famous swimming pool scene. And don't forget the part where the whole house gets sucked into the spectral vortex.

I realize that it might not have packed as much of a punch if they hadn't done it this way, but it seems sort of tacked-on. Though I do love how the movie ends with Steve pushing the TV out of their hotel room and slamming the door; I thought that was a nice touch.

Another nice touch that I almost forgot to mention is the score. It's brilliant work from the late Jerry Goldsmith. At times it's beautiful and moving, and at times it's eerie and foreboding. It really adds something invaluable to the film, and it should have won an Oscar, but I think the honor went to John Williams that year for ET.

This movie has long deserved a better DVD release than it got, and you'd better believe that I'm buying the new one as soon as I get some money. I'll be sure to make a follow-up post once I do get it. Anyway, the old release works fine if you just want to watch the movie, and I scored my copy for around ten bucks, which I can't complain about. But the transfer is pretty grainy and there are no special features except for a theatrical trailer, which is ludicrous for something so high-profile.

How did such a gem get relegated to bargain bin status in the first place? Personally, I blame the sequels, which are widely regarded as total shit. I mean, the only way you can get Poltergeist III is if you buy II, so that's a red flag right there. I kinda wish they hadn't released those on DVD at all; maybe then people could forget they existed.

Also, I think the supposed "Poltergeist Curse" has tarnished the movie's reputation somewhat. As most of you know, Heather O'Rourke died at a tender age before filming wrapped on the third movie. Dominique Dunne was murdered shortly after the premiere of the first movie. You can read more about it on Wikipedia if you so desire. I just think it's people being overly superstitious, myself, even though the whole thing freaked me out as a child.

If you made it through this entire post, I love you.

Retro Wishlist

Today, dudes and dudettes, I present to you my Retro Wishlist. This post will have pictures to look at, since apparently that plays a big role in whether or not people read something.

Anyway, I plan on adding to the Wishlist whenever I happen to think of a new item, so this is just the beginning.

01. Teddy Ruxpin and Grubby

Possibly the coolest toy to come out of the 1980s, Teddy had a cassette player in his back in which you put special tapes. He would tell stories that you could (sort of) read along with in the accompanying books. His eyes and mouth moved along with the sounds, and 20 years ago, that was pretty badass technology.



I got a Teddy Ruxpin for my third birthday in 1986. I was instantly enamored. Teddy became my best friend. Even though he weighed about 50 pounds, I still managed to lug him around with me whenever the opportunity presented itself.

My parents bought me a bunch of the book/tape sets and I played them over and over. They even got him a little red aviator outfit that came with a hat and a vest. And eventually, they even got me his partner in fun: Grubby, a...giant yellow worm-thing called an "octopede" if memory serves me well. If you hooked the two of them up with a special cable they would "interact". More innovative technology. I never really used Grubby that much for whatever dumbass reason.



Anyway, even after this boy I used to play with broke Teddy's lower jaw off, I still loved him. Apparently that jaw thing was a common problem, but I was still pissed off at that kid. Why are little boys so bent on destroying other people's shit?

Over the years, Teddy and Grubby got lost. As soon as I get over my fear of eBay and acquire some cash, I'm probably going to buy Teddy back, hopefully one that doesn't have a broken jaw. I hear talk that they made a new version that uses cartridge thingies instead of tapes, but that just doesn't sound the same to me. Plus, I want to see if you really can make him react to other cassette tapes, because hearing Teddy blare out some 80s hair metal would just be too funny to pass up.

02. Rainbow Brite's Dress

No, I'm not talking some freaky cosplay thing. I mean, I need a dress for my Rainbow Brite doll that I bought at a thrift store last year. Amusingly, she came dressed in some camofluage doll clothes. I hate to just buy another doll, but it might be easier.

Like I've said before, Rainbow Brite was my world when I was little. I had all manner of Sprites, a small Rainbow doll and a plush Starlite.



The Rainbow doll had come all the way to Oklahoma with me when we moved from California in October '85-- I was two, with my third birthday coming in February. She, too, was missing a dress...I guess it got left behind. Anyway, much like Teddy, I carried Rainbow around with me everywhere I went. As a result, I remember her being quite dirty and kind of beat up. But we still had some good times.

I did have the larger Rainbow doll at one point, but it vanished into a black hole somewhere along with virtually everything else I owned back then. So when I saw one for two measly dollars, I snatched it up faster than you can say "I'm 24 and still play with dolls".

Now if I could just find her a damn dress, life would be one step closer to complete.

03. A (Working) RCA Selectavision Player and Discs

I'm pretty sure nobody reading this knows what the hell a RCA Selectavision player is. Well, allow me to enlighten you. It's only one of the coolest pieces of obsolete technology ever! At least, it is to me.



Sometime in the past, some guy thought it would be a good idea to put video on a groove-based medium, such as a vinyl record. RCA developed the technology for years, and wanted to launch in the late 70s, but didn't get the system on the market until sometime around 1981.

Most people call them "videodiscs", but the fancy-schmancy term is Capacitance Electronic Disc. I don't entirely know what that means (I looked it up once but it only confused me more), but it's essentially a type of video record.

Since the discs were quite fragile and would be damaged if touched, RCA developed a special caddy for them to extend their lifespan. So, CEDs are not to be confused with Laserdiscs. They actually looked like a big plastic rectangle. You would insert the caddy into the player, and a quite sophisticated mechanism inside would extract the disc from its protective armor. Snazzy.



Unfortunately, the system came onto the market way too late, because certain other formats were already entrenched in epic combat (that's another story for another time).

The system's major downfall was that you couldn't record onto it, which was a huge factor in the success of home video formats back then. You also couldn't really pause it-- well, you could, but it couldn't freeze frame, it just blanked the screen, which was another inherent flaw that came with it being a grooved medium.

The system was, for all intents and purposes, dead by 1986. VHS reigned over all others as the King of Home Video. Shortly after the demise of Selectavision, RCA was bought out. (The name lives on, but they don't actually develop their own technology anymore as far as I know.)

However, this doesn't mean that Selectavision didn't have its day in the sun. Thousands of titles were available for the system and people actually bought them, even after player production had stopped.

My dad bought one of the players when we still lived in California. I'm guessing sometime in 1984 or so, probably when they were cutting the price way down just to get the players sold. He brought it with him when we moved, and since the format was dying by then, you could get discs pretty damn cheap.

As a result, we had a whole stack of the damn things, including the Star Wars movies, Alien, and a few Rocky movies. We also had what I recently learned is a hard title to find: a disc with two episodes of Rainbow Brite on it. I watched the shit out of that thing even though the disc skipped a lot. Eventually my dad copied it to VHS for me, before the disc totally crapped out.

My dad still had the player and the collection of discs as recently as 2003, but then he GOT RID OF IT. Without asking me if I wanted it first. He said it didn't work anymore, but according to what he said was wrong with it, it probably just needed a new belt and a new stylus. I would have taken good care of that thing. Therefore, one of these days I'm buying another one. I've heard that if you know how to contact them, RCA (or whoever owns them) still has a large inventory of styli stashed away somewhere, probably in a warehouse that looks like the final scene of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

I didn't mean for this to get as long as it did. But there you go.

Afterthought: The singular of "media" is "medium". It took me until now to notice the errors. I'm not an idiot, honestly.